I was looking through an old notebook and found something I had written on Feb. 11, 2013. It's crazy how much my life has changed in one year. Last year I was applying for jobs in Hartsville, and we were looking at houses for sale in Hartsville. I was anxious and nervous about possibly changing jobs, changing towns, changing houses, and changing my life. Michael did not want to move back to Hartsville. He liked our life in Cheraw. It felt like a fresh start for him. He was excited to be in a new place in his life. But I watched my husband work 7 days a week, having to drive 40 minutes each way. I watched my stepsons having to get up earlier for school so they could ride to Hartsville with Michael when he would go to work. I watched Michael not being able to be as available for his boys because of his work schedule and us living further away. I watched 3 people who were at a disadvantage and only 1 who it was convenient. So I decided we were going to move to Hartsville. Michael knew I was happy in Cheraw, he knew I didn't truly want to move. But I knew that by taking a vow of marriage, you agree to take care of each other and best serve each other. When I got married, I didn't just gain a husband...I gained a family. To me, this meant that I not only needed to do what was best for my husband, but also what was best for his children.
It is crazy that one year ago I was making a conscious decision to change my life for the man I loved and his children. And now, here I am and have lost all 3 of the reasons I moved. I can't help but play the guilt game about Michael dying. He didn't want to move and I pushed it. He didn't want to sell his F-250, but yet I pushed it because it was constantly costing us money or needing to be fixed. I feel guilty about him dying because he was driving a smaller truck, coming back from my parent's house, driving down a back road to our new house. If he still had his F-250 would he have lived? If we still lived in Cheraw, would he still be alive? He wouldn't have been on that road that night. I wonder about every scenario and sequence of events and play it over and over again in my head. One part of someone dying like this is replaying the "what ifs" in your head. Part of the healing process is learning to let go of these "what ifs." I haven't been able to do this yet. While I have gotten stronger in many ways and have progressed in my healing journey...I still have thoughts of being responsible for Michael's death. Even though ultimately it was only him in that truck, only him driving, and him wrecking. I have not once gotten mad at him for wrecking, instead I find ways to be mad at myself.
Every Wednesday night around 9pm I start replaying that hellish night. The 16th of every month I am forced to recognize he has been gone another month. The worse moment of my life happened on October 16, 2013. The moment life as I knew it was over. A lot of days I ask "why did this have to happen to me?" There are so many people who are selfish, hateful and undeserving and yet this had to happen to me. I have had a lot of self pity and drowning in my own sorrow. I've done about everything I could in an attempt to drown out the pain. And in the end, I just had to make a decision to get myself together. I had to start making an effort to come back to the land of the living. I am trying everyday to get through the day with a smile on my face and the strength in my heart. I think I am doing much better at hiding the pain I am now.
Bob Dylan has a quote, "Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain." Going through this experience will really make you take something like this to heart. How many people do you encounter that are smiling and seem fine...that many be going through their own personal battles? It should teach us all to be a little kinder and a little more loving. You never know the pain that is behind someone's smile. I know my life will forever be changed. I will never look at things the same. I wish I could let people see into my heart and mind so they would learn to take value in the important things in life. I guess that is one reason why I write this blog. I am hoping that if I can reach one person and help them to change their outlook, then it is worth opening myself up and being vulnerable to expose my raw feeling on life and death. I'm still trying to find my place in this big world, but I am not giving up. God has His reasoning and time for everything He does. I just have to keep the "faith."
