I think people handle grief in different ways and stages. The first few months after Michael died I was openly able to write about my feeling and my thoughts but then I went through a period where I didn't want to write about what was going on. I didn't want to share my personal thoughts with everyone . I think I was going through a stage of not acknowledging my pain in order to "forget" about it. The truth is you cant forget about it. You can't push it away. You can't pretend it never happened to you. Because eventually you are forced to again face the reality of your life. Its been almost 9 months and I am now in a new stage of grieving. I am able to participate and function normally. I am able to enjoy things around me finally. Does this mean I am healed? Absolutely not. But it means I am continuing to progress on my journey. It means I am aware of what has happened and am accepting (most days) and understand that at 30 years old I have a lot of life left. I have been able to do a lot of things in the past 9 months that have taken a lot of courage for me. After Michael died, I moved back in with my parents. There was no way I could live in this big house that was bought for a family of 4. I originally thought I would never be able to live in this house. It was painful to imagine being alone there after it had been so alive with love, laughter, and sweet memories. Moving back into our house was one of the hardest things I have done since Michael has died. The house doesn't make me sad anymore. This house makes me feel proud. Proud of what we worked so hard to have. Buying this house was one of the greatest moments of my life. Even though I have found peace in living in our house, I still cannot change certain things. I have yet to move Michael's clothes. They are all still hanging in his closet and in his dresser. I sleep in his shirts still, but that is all I can do. I can't take his stuff down or move it. I know one day I will be able but I haven't reached that day yet.
I have been through many milestones since Michael has died. Sometimes I find it amazing that I am still standing. I've been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day, My 30th birthday and our 2 year anniversary without him. Some days I question my existence. Some days I question way I am forced to live a life that often feels empty. I know God doesn't make mistakes. I wish I could explain that to my heart. I wish I could know this is all part of His master plan. I struggle accepting this. I am doing the best I can. I have been able to move forward and I am learning to enjoy life again in small ways. But part of me always feels empty. I wonder if I will feel this way forever...I wonder if I will always be broken and in pieces. One thing that I have learned since Michael died, is that life is short. I don't want to spend the rest of my life hurting. I don't want to not experience life and all the wonderful things it can bring. I make a conscious decision every morning that I wake up, that I have to make the most of each day. I want to live again. I want to feel alive again. I can not say enough about my family, friends, and coworkers who continually support me. I am so blessed in so many ways and I try to focus on that each day. There are days I go through the day and have happy days. There are days that I come home and crawl in my bed and cry for hours. I know that I'm in a much better place than I was a few months ago. I continue to strive for a happy life again. I know I have a lot to live for. I know I will be happy again. But I know that part of me will always be scarred and will always miss him. I know part of me will always ask "why him?" I don't know why I was chosen to deal with this. But I do know that I am strong. I know that I can survive this no matter how hard and how painful. I know that I am here for a reason and I keep pushing. I remind myself of how far I have come and I know I still have a long way to go...
"Don't be afraid, Just believe" -Mark 5:36
