Learning to Live Again

 I speak of Michael daily. He is part of me that will never leave and that will never change. The past 18 months have been the most challenging, emotionally draining, and demanding months of my life. I have fought to be alive, fought for Michael, fought for peace...and forgiveness, and fought to become who I am. It has been a long road and taken a long time for me to realize that I am going to be ok. I still struggle often with overwhelming feelings of grief and loss. I struggle with why this had to happen to me, why this had to happen to Michael. I will never have those answers. I have to keep faith in the Good Lord and trust He is in control of our lives. He decides who dies, when they die and why they die. Faith for me is learning to let go of what I can not control and putting it in His hands.

Lately, the stronger I have become, the more reservations I have about continuing to chronicle my journey. Writing is my therapy but I wonder sometimes if I don't create more chaos for myself by being so open and so vulnerable. I want to help someone if I can, and that is why I continue to do it.  It is only fair to those individuals who have reached out to me and talked about how I have touched their life and helped them in some way. If anything I believe that God wants to use me in a way to reach out and help others going through struggles in life. Whether it be dealing with the loss of a loved one, or simply learning to see how precious life really is. I do finally believe that I am a strong person. I believe I am a better person because of Michael and because of his death. I believe God intended to use me as a source of strength for others as well. I miss Michael more than words can possibly describe. I will never stop missing him or loving him...but God has changed me because of this. God has transformed me into a different person... A better person.

Something that I have now, that I have not had in a long time..is HOPE. I have hope for a fulfilling life and a promising future. At one point I never thought it was possible to survive what I was going through, much less be able to enjoy life again. I am able to enjoy life again. I am able to appreciate small things that I took for granted before Michael's death. I am able to find peace in my life and in my heart. I know Michael has been with me and pushed me to overcome the things I could not have done on my own. Love is stronger than death and our love is the reason I can do the things I do. Our love is the reason I am able to get through each day and look toward the endless possibilities that life has to offer.

A pivotal moment in my life that helped me reach this place, happened a few weeks ago. Two of my good friends and I were eating at a restaurant and we were suddenly locked inside by a police officer. A shooting had just taken place next door and a sheriff came in searching. He put the establishment on lock down until further notice as they searched for the shooter. For the first time since Michael died, I realized I did not want my life to end. Even though I had begged God to take me many times since Michael's death...in that moment...I realized I did not want to die. I realized that my time here is limited too. I do not know when my last breath will be. Hopefully I will live a long time and experience many things but there is no guarantee of that. It is incredibly scary to think that any one of us could leave this earth at any given moment.  I have decided to try to make the most of everyday. Which leads me to my final thought...are you doing what you need to do to make the most of your time alive?