Struggles

Sometimes I think I shouldn't post my thoughts online. It opens myself up to being vulnerable, being judged, and being criticized.  Lately I have been thinking about just deleting the whole blog and going back to the old fashioned way of writing in my notebook...which I do anyway. I pick and choose what I post online because some things are just too intimate and personal to share. It is hard to share your inner most thoughts with your friends, family, strangers and then those few who just read to "pick me apart." I have many reservations about sharing, but when I am doubting myself the most...someone will come to me and tell me how my words have touched them...have inspired them...and changed how they look at life. How my words have made them open their eyes to how quickly life can be ripped away from you. I do want to be able to help someone if I can. And that is what keeps me posting to the public. There are many people who have their own struggles and if they can draw inspiration for my story...then allowing myself to be so open is worth it.



I wish that I could say that I have been made "better" by what has happened. But I still struggle a lot with the "bitter" of what has happened. I have made a lot of mistakes since Oct. 16. I have been angry with God and I have just shut down on days and refused to believe what has really happened. I am not the same person that I was before Michael died.  I write about keeping my faith and trusting in God but there are days that I question my faith. I wonder how God could let a man die that had so much to live for. I wonder how God could take a daddy away from two boys that needed him more than anything. I wonder how God could take a son away from a mother who would have given her own life for him to live. I wonder how God could take away a husband from a woman who gave up everything for a second chance at love...all to have it taken away. I struggle with being strong. I am only human and I am far from perfect. 

One book I am reading says, "It is natural to have questions when unwanted and unexpected loss comes into your life. The more traumatic the loss, the greater the questions." It also says that it is ok to have questions but to realize that God is the only one in control of anyone's life. The sovereign God is higher than all, and His ways are beyond comprehension. You have two choices: You can either give up or you can keep believing in God even when it doesn't make sense. "Faith means something when it is exercised in the darkness."

The path of life that you travel is different from what you expected, but He will guide you. Your greatest spiritual growth comes through your questions and trials. You may not like the situation, but often you must accept it and seek growth, not stagnation. "God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10)   - This is from a book called "Through a Season of Grief" by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard.  This book has been very helpful to me and I would recommend it to anyone going through a loss of a loved one.

The amazing thing about God is He knows I am not perfect and I sin but yet he still is able to forgive me for these sins. I do have trouble understanding why things happen in life. But I have to lean on my faith and understand that I am not in control of this life...God is. 

I am working on things to help me accept this life. One that I never imagined I would have to go through. A life that would feel so much pain and heartbreak.  I have been through counseling, I read, I have befriended those who have suffered a great loss. I try to use different resources to help me anyway possible. I am doing the best I can. Sometimes I fall and have a hard time getting back up. But I get back up.

 I am still here.  I am still managing to survive each day. I know I have a long way to go. I know this journey will be a long and difficult one. But God decided that I was strong enough to handle this and I have to keep pushing forward each day.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is to continue to live each day without this man. He was my everything. I pray a lot and if you are a praying person please keep praying for me.

"Lord God, I cannot pretend that everything is fine, that everything is good because it's not. But I know that you, God, are good. Forgive me when I limit You, doubt You, and expect You to fail me. I am so small compared to You, yet You love me more than I can comprehend. I am truly in the dark, and it scares me. In my fear, I lash out wildly. Shine Your light in my heart. Lead me along this new path. Amen" 

Frustrations

St. Patty's Day is today. Yesterday was March 16, which means 5 months since my world was ripped apart. I have been surrounded by a whole lot of emotions lately. It has been 5 months since I've had Michael here to help me make hard decisions and to re-confirm me when I needed him. Lately I have been struggling with doing some things and I need his guidance. All I have left are the talks we had before he died. That's all I have. But I have hours and hours of talks with him. We didn't have secrets. We didn't keep stuff from each other. We were like two people who were made from one. Always in rhythm and always in sync. Before he died, we had many talks...the "what if" and how we would do certain things. Michael Thomas was adamant about how he wanted his belongings delegated.  especially when it came to things that belonged to him. He did NOT want certain things to go to his children at such a young age.  For example, his guns. I know which gun he wanted which child to have. But it was VERY important to him for them to get these things when they are old enough to understand guns, old enough to be responsible and old enough to prove they can take care of them. Michael did not want his things going to someone else to keep and then give to them... he trusted me and he wanted me to give them to his boys when the time was appropriate. And he again was adamant on them being a certain age and for his boys to get those things from me then. There are several things that he specially talked to me about and how he wanted it handled if he were to die. I am choosing to HONOR my dead husband in his wishes when it comes to his children and what he wanted them to have.  I am not being "spiteful" as I have been called.  I am honoring Michael's desires on how and when to give certain things to his children.

I'm frustrated in many ways. I'm frustrated because I can't talk to the boys and let them know what is going on with Michael's things. I frustrated because for 2 and a half years I was with their daddy, I was with them, and I have SOOO Many memories to talk to them about. I was the one who can share those memories that they had with their daddy. But I can't because I have not seen them. It has been 5 months and I can't understand for the life of me, how keeping me away from these children is helpful. Why would you not want your children to have these memories and stories from the last 3 years before Michael died. I am the only one that has most of these memories as it was just Michael, me and the boys making these memories together. So why not let me help keep those memories and stories alive with the boys?? I am having a really hard time not being allowed to talk to or see these children. I have so many things I want to tell them about their daddy, and help them remember the times they spent together. I want to talk to them about their daddy...but I can't.

 

I am frustrated and find it disturbing that I can not even share pictures, memories, stories, or have talks about Michael with his boys. I'm sure they feel I abandoned them. I was just not their stepmother, I was a friend, I was their snuggle bug watching Sunday morning cartons, I was there for them in whatever way they needed me.  To be cut out of their life is so disheartening to me. I can not understand how taking away LOVE and SUPPORT from those close to Michael, and close to the boys, would be beneficial to their lives.  They are confused because not only did they lose their daddy, they lost half of their whole world, and everything associated with Michael, when he died.  After he died, I could not see them. So to them, they must feel that I disappeared and didn't care about them. That is the furthest from the truth you could possibly think. It breaks my heart knowing how much their little lives changed when Michael died. I loved those boys unconditionally and I had to "disappear" after he died. It hurts my heart to think how confused and upset those boys felt. They lost their daddy, their stepmom, their home with us, their friends that they met through us, and they lost a normal relationship with their Grandma.

The TWO people closest the Michael have been cut out of these children's lives. Jewel has been able to see her grandsons TWICE in 5 months.  Each time at the park for an hour or two "supervised". The boys just got their Christmas presents a few weeks ago. TWO Months after Christmas!!  Jewel lost her son, and now she only gets "supervised" visits with her grandsons once every 2-3 months at the park. Can you imagine the hurt and frustration she must feel. She can't even have a real relationship with them. Michael knows what is going on. GOD knows what is going on. And anyone that has ever been around any of the situation knows what is going on.

It is frustrating that adults can not put personal differences aside and let everyone love on these boys. 

I am frustrated. I am asking for prayers. I am asking for prayers for everyone effected by Michael's death. I am asking that God help put these boys first and let them be able to have all the love and support they can get and deserve. They deserve to be loved by everyone.

"Dear Lord, You know the desires of my heart. In my confusion give me peace to know that You are in control of all life and You do not make mistakes - Amen"

I miss these little guys so much!