Struggles

Sometimes I think I shouldn't post my thoughts online. It opens myself up to being vulnerable, being judged, and being criticized.  Lately I have been thinking about just deleting the whole blog and going back to the old fashioned way of writing in my notebook...which I do anyway. I pick and choose what I post online because some things are just too intimate and personal to share. It is hard to share your inner most thoughts with your friends, family, strangers and then those few who just read to "pick me apart." I have many reservations about sharing, but when I am doubting myself the most...someone will come to me and tell me how my words have touched them...have inspired them...and changed how they look at life. How my words have made them open their eyes to how quickly life can be ripped away from you. I do want to be able to help someone if I can. And that is what keeps me posting to the public. There are many people who have their own struggles and if they can draw inspiration for my story...then allowing myself to be so open is worth it.



I wish that I could say that I have been made "better" by what has happened. But I still struggle a lot with the "bitter" of what has happened. I have made a lot of mistakes since Oct. 16. I have been angry with God and I have just shut down on days and refused to believe what has really happened. I am not the same person that I was before Michael died.  I write about keeping my faith and trusting in God but there are days that I question my faith. I wonder how God could let a man die that had so much to live for. I wonder how God could take a daddy away from two boys that needed him more than anything. I wonder how God could take a son away from a mother who would have given her own life for him to live. I wonder how God could take away a husband from a woman who gave up everything for a second chance at love...all to have it taken away. I struggle with being strong. I am only human and I am far from perfect. 

One book I am reading says, "It is natural to have questions when unwanted and unexpected loss comes into your life. The more traumatic the loss, the greater the questions." It also says that it is ok to have questions but to realize that God is the only one in control of anyone's life. The sovereign God is higher than all, and His ways are beyond comprehension. You have two choices: You can either give up or you can keep believing in God even when it doesn't make sense. "Faith means something when it is exercised in the darkness."

The path of life that you travel is different from what you expected, but He will guide you. Your greatest spiritual growth comes through your questions and trials. You may not like the situation, but often you must accept it and seek growth, not stagnation. "God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10)   - This is from a book called "Through a Season of Grief" by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard.  This book has been very helpful to me and I would recommend it to anyone going through a loss of a loved one.

The amazing thing about God is He knows I am not perfect and I sin but yet he still is able to forgive me for these sins. I do have trouble understanding why things happen in life. But I have to lean on my faith and understand that I am not in control of this life...God is. 

I am working on things to help me accept this life. One that I never imagined I would have to go through. A life that would feel so much pain and heartbreak.  I have been through counseling, I read, I have befriended those who have suffered a great loss. I try to use different resources to help me anyway possible. I am doing the best I can. Sometimes I fall and have a hard time getting back up. But I get back up.

 I am still here.  I am still managing to survive each day. I know I have a long way to go. I know this journey will be a long and difficult one. But God decided that I was strong enough to handle this and I have to keep pushing forward each day.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is to continue to live each day without this man. He was my everything. I pray a lot and if you are a praying person please keep praying for me.

"Lord God, I cannot pretend that everything is fine, that everything is good because it's not. But I know that you, God, are good. Forgive me when I limit You, doubt You, and expect You to fail me. I am so small compared to You, yet You love me more than I can comprehend. I am truly in the dark, and it scares me. In my fear, I lash out wildly. Shine Your light in my heart. Lead me along this new path. Amen"