Chapter 2

It has been a long time since I have posted anything online...Almost 8 months. A lot has changed in that time and I have been dealing with a lot of personal issues. Part of the reason I took a break from blogging is because I became more private about my life. I was in the middle of lengthy and emotional legal battle regarding Michael's Estate (our house and his belongings), and I started dating a man that I could see myself with forever. And as shocking as that was to admit to other people...it was even more shocking for me to admit it to myself. Being so public about your life, puts you straight in the path for criticism, and I have been working so hard on rebuilding myself...I just wasn't ready to put it all out there yet.

Often times "Chapter 2" refers to the second chapter in the life of a widow. I have started my "Chapter 2." When you lose your spouse unexpectedly, the last thing you think will ever happen is being able to live a fulfilling life again. I thought my life was over...and it was. The life that I had known was over. I was forced to start a new life. For me, there is no such thing as "moving on" because I will never move on from the loss of my husband. It is a part of the person I am today, and that love is not replaceable. However, I do believe in being able to "move forward." I believe that everyday it takes a conscious choice to move forward with life after your spouse dies. And it is anything from easy, but you also owe it to yourself to be able to enjoy life again. I don't think that making the choice to move forward with my life lessens my love for Michael at all. In fact, I feel like it honors him. Michael loved to see me smile and hear me laugh. He always told me no matter what...all he wanted was for me to be happy. He told me that when I was 17 and he told me that when I was 27. And now at 31, I still believe he would say the same thing if given the chance. I didn't choose to lose Michael. We did not divorce each other. We were happy and in love and planned to spend the rest of our lives together. But our plans were not God's plans...His plans were different. And as HARD as that has been for me to accept...I have had to adjust to it.

I have been learning to embrace the hand I've been dealt. It's not fair and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and continue to go through. I did not deserve what happened to me. But it happened. And I can not change that, no matter how many tears I cry or how many times I wish Michael was still alive. He is gone...forever. And even on the good days, that still cuts like a knife to my heart. You think when you are in love that you are resistant to bad things that happen around you. But the truth is, we are not. And that lesson is one to always remember. We are not promised tomorrow and we must learn to start making the most of the time we have.

In August of 2015, I remarried a wonderful and loving man that accepts my past and encourages my future. There are a few possible misconceptions about a widow remarrying that I want to talk about. By deciding to move forward in your life, that doesn't stop the love (and pain) that comes from losing a spouse.  But it does give me hope for a life that experiences happiness again. And Jamie (my new husband) does just that.

I have walked through the darkest hell and managed to slowly climb back out. I found someone who brings my soul back to life. LIFE IS SHORT. I have been through a devastating loss with Michael. Losing him and his boys continues to be the HARDEST thing I have ever been though. Don't you think that is enough suffering in itself? Why push away sunlight that is finally beginning to peek out?  And I decided not too. I embraced it. I embraced the sunshine on my face and in my soul. I embraced the love in my heart that I did not realize I even had.

These words are taken from the blog "One Fit Widow" and describe perfectly how I feel. Michelle Steinke writes:
"There is nothing easy about making the conscious effort to move forward after the devastating loss of life. The emotions of death don't die the minute you take new vows. One man does not replace the other. People are not replaceable and while you develop new bonds, new relationship and new love--the love you had for those before never truly dies. I like to think love expands the heart. With great love my heart has expanded to allow more great love. The two relationships are not mutually exclusive and while I love them both differently--I do indeed love them both."

One of the ways I choose to honor Michael and our marriage is continuing to wear my wedding band from him. The bottom band is the wedding band he gave me. A marriage that ended only because of death. A marriage vow that I took...till death do us part. For me, it is a symbolic reminder of the love shared and the love that remains. I also chose not to drop Michael's last name. That was something that was important and meant a lot to me. Michael is so much a part of me and always will be.

The middle band and top engagement ring are the ones from Jamie and they represent my present and future. I am so thankful for a man that allows me to express my love for Michael openly. I am blessed beyond what I ever imagined to find true love, not once...but twice. Each love is different...just like each person is different. One love does not replace the other. But I am learning how to live post-loss and how to enjoy it again. And I am learning that I don't have to feel guilty about wanting to be happy again.

These two articles below are great reads involving being a widow and remarrying. They both articulate many things that I feel and maybe just couldn't put into words.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/remarriage-after-widowhood_b_3545400.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-e-steinke/dear-widow-police-i-wont-_b_8234798.html


In the end, I want to give others hope and encouragement and that is why I chose to start back writing. If I can make a difference in just one person's life...then it is all worth it.