This is pretty much what I do everyday. I do a lot of reminding myself to stop. breathe. and cry if I have to. Sometimes the pain is so strong the tears will just start flowing down my face for no apparent reason. Other than the fact my husband has just died and I feel broken into a million pieces. Some days I can talk about Michael, memories, his death, anything and not shed a tear. It is the damnest thing how grief works. You just had to get through the day and then another day comes and you have to get through it. And then the next thing you know, 6 weeks has passed and it feels like it was so long ago but so soon at the same time. Greif is a tricky little monster.
In one of the books I am reading it says, "Greif is not an enemy or sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. It is the cost for loving someone." I loved a man with all my heart and he died and now I feel like I am being punished some days. I know that is not the case, and I feel extremely blessed to have had the chance to experience what real love was...but that doesn't stop that dagger that stabs up and down in my heart everyday. That feels like punishment to me. There are days I question a lot of things. I spent my whole adult life regretting not being with Michael. I will tell our story one day when I am bring myself to talk about that. But I spent years thinking I let the love of my life slip away. So to get a second chance was an unbelievable blessing from God. I remember seeing him for the first time in 10 years. 10 years had passed and when I looked at him, I felt the same way I did after all those years. It felt like no time had passed, even though in reality A LOT of time had passed and our lives had taken such different paths that we originally thought. How amazing that God would bring two people back together that believed they were soul mates all these years, but accepted the life they had chosen despite NOT being together for so many years. Almost every day after we got back together we talked about God's timing, and how maybe there was a reason after all. We knew that we had a second chance at life and a second chance to have the happiness we both deserved.
It is hard for me to understand a lot of things right now. It is hard for me to understand what my life is supposed to mean. God gave me the man I always wanted...he gave him BACK to me and then HE DIES?? You wait your whole life to find that person and I lost him once and I understood how special it was to have him again. How can I get just a few short years with this man that I was supposed to spend forever with?? I struggle with this everyday. The roller coaster of emotions from low to high to low is truly unimaginable. I know that God does not make mistakes. But I struggle trying to figure out why this is happening. On a day like today when everything reminds me of him, and the pain of not having him becomes to great to bear...I struggle with why he had to die. And why I had to be left to pick of the pieces of a life I only wanted if he was apart of it.
I bought his Christmas decorations today when I was in Florence. This gentleman asks me, "Oh, you must be doing a blue Christmas tree this year?" I stood there for a minute deciding on what to say. The easiest thing would have been to just say "Yes" and walk off. But instead I told him the truth. I told him they were for the grave of my husband that recently had passed away. And so it begins, having to tell perfect strangers, who asks seemly nice questions...the truth about my life. I'm 29, yes I wear a wedding ring, No I'm not married technically. My husband died. 6 weeks ago. AND shoot the arrow into my heart now.
And so I decided on blue and silver because my heart is blue. And Michael's favorite color was blue. I made the heart wreath. I wanted to do something different and something special. I made it at the graveside in the dark, so I probably need to work on it some. But I'm impatient and I couldn't wait until tomorrow to put it out. And of course the deer, which I'm pretty sure is a reindeer, but it fits. So there it is...Christmas with Michael this year. I'm not decorating. I'm not in the spirit. But I can sit with him and his blue decorations and get through my first Christmas with him as an Angel. Please say an extra prayer for me as Christmas approaches. I don't know how I will manage to get through it.
But God reminds me...
"I have set before you life...now choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19)
And so I end with this prayer:
Precious Lord, you know the desires of my heart. In my confusion give me peace to know that You are in control of all life and You do not make mistakes. Amen
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