It's Halloween...Any ghosts out there??

Today is Halloween. What an appropriate day to want to see a ghost...well not just any ol' ghost, but one in particular. =) Just a little Halloween humor. Because I have had not 1 but 2 good days ... in a row... and that is amazing. I really don't even have to see his ghost, because he has been with me the past 2 days and his presence has been STRONG. I like it, I hope he sticks around with me for a while.

Yesterday I finally went out for pretty much for the first time since the accident and had dinner with my beautiful friend Belinthia. I enjoyed myself. I wore makeup. She fixed me up real pretty. And fixed my hair. And I felt like a living person again. It was a nice change from the past two weeks. Michael knew I needed it. Thank you Michael for allowing me to be strong and go out in public and not break down and cry. Not once while in public. So no one thought I was the crazy girl who just lost her husband and acts like a maniac. (I hope?) 

I stayed with Belinthia and she was the sweetest. She played her sound machine with background sounds, and read to me from her yoga books. And I fell asleep. And slept all night. Peacefully. Well, with the exception of Abby, who slept on my head.

Today was also a good day. I have been struggling really hard with a few issues and I finally have had that burden lifted. Michael would be so proud. And he knows what I'm talking about. I think that is why he has been with me so much the past few days. I needed some clarity and I have it now. I feel relieved and I know he is relieved. He is free from this burden and now I am free from this burden. It feels amazing. And in a strange, ironic way, this helps me find peace with Michael's passing. I am reminded that the good Lord knows what he is doing. And Michael is at peace, and as strange as it seems...this brings me peace. I think that is why a love like ours is so strong. I can find peace in Michael being gone, because the Lord has given him a kind of freedom that he was not allowed here on earth. And when you truly love someone, you are not happy unless they are happy. You hurt for them when they hurt, you are stressed when they are stressed, you are happy when they are happy...and NOW you are at peace when they are at peace.  Thank you God for bringing peace to Michael, and that ultimately brings peace to me.

I wanted to share some pictures from Michael's resting place. This first picture was right after he was buried. The flowers were so beautiful. Michael had so many people that cared for him, admired him, loved him and thought of him. I've never seen so many beautiful flowers.

I decided to place these two pumpkins at his grave. Michael died on Wednesday, but on Tuesday the night before, he bought these. Michael, me, Nic, and Nate went shopping for Halloween decorations. We only bought two pumpkins for the time being and had planned to go to the pumpkin patch on Saturday to buy more. So we each could carve one. We needed atleast 4 and possibly more. But it was a Tuesday evening and 2 pumpkins were a good start.  By the time Saturday came, we were burying Michael in the ground. If we had only known.

I wrote a special love note on each pumpkin.

And so after all the flowers had died, and everything was cleaned up. We were left with this: Clean, simple, and understated. And as beautiful as all those flowers were...this is much more Michael.  He was a simple man. He didn't want to be the center of attention. He liked to be understated. As soon as his graveside looked like this...I felt happier. Because I knew it made Michael happier.

Oh yea, and Hunter missed his daddy too. He had to jump in the truck when I went to take down the flowers.  I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. Because it was a disaster when we got to the cemetery and he got out of the truck. Lesson Learned...Michael may be with me...but I may be expecting too much to think he will make the dog behave.  Hunter will not go back unless he is on a leash...needless to say.

 

I want to close this post with a quote that was sent to me by Megan Campbell. I love this and think it is beautiful and sometimes a quote can take you a long way when you need it. Thank you Megan!

 

"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and he was taken from me. Yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it."

There are bad days, and then there are days like today

 

Today was a bad day. From the start. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and thought of Michael with every passing second. Some days are o-k, some days are bad, and then there are days like today. The "I can't get out of bed, quit crying, "why me?" days.  I guess you could call it an "angry" day. I cried and cried and then cried some more.  I kept thinking of how unfair  it was for Michael to be gone. This is not supposed to happen. This is not something I was supposed to have to go through. I became upset that Michael died and I didn't. For the first time, I wished I was in his truck the night he wrecked and I would have died with him. I feel dead. My soul feels dead. Today I felt no purpose in life. He was my purpose in life and he is gone. I try to be strong most days but I was not strong today. I laid in bed crying at how my life will never be the same. I found a card from Valentine's Day where he sent flowers. It said "One of many more to come, Love you, MT" But there will be no more Valentine's days with him.
No more holidays
No more Christmas traditions
No birthdays
No anniversary celebrations
N.O.T.H.I.N.G
We will never have a baby together. We will never share another summer at the lake. We will never be a family again with his boys. I not only lost my husband, but I lost my two stepsons at the same time. I love those little boys and I pray that I will be able to see them soon. But as for now, that is just another dagger in my heart.

This was not supposed to happen to me, but it did. Even the days I refuse to believe he is gone, guess what? He is still gone. My family, friends, and even people I don't know have been amazing with support. And I thank God for that, every day. But nothing eases the pain  in my heart. Nothing eases the heartache I feel. Nothing can comfort me, because he was my comfort. He was my rock. He was who I turned to. He wiped away my tears when I had a bad day. He was who would hold me until I was in my happy place. He was my peace.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my entire existence changed. Some days like today, my heart just says "I don't want to do this." I don't want to go on without him. If it were solely dependent on my heart, it would have already stopped beating. But it hasn't. I'm still here. Living in this nightmare every day.

I pray tomorrow will be a better day. I pray that God and Michael will stay close to me during this time. I need them both. I told Michael when he died, there would be no way I would be able to survive this, if he wasn't by my side. And I still need him. This has been the worst two weeks of my life, and the saddest part is this battle is only starting.  So I will say my prayers tonight and ask God for strength. Because days like today I have none. I will have to remind myself to just breathe and take it one day at a day.

Michael's love for the outdoors

This was written Saturday, Oct 26. I just forgot to publish it.

Today has been a good day for the most part. I spend a long time at Michael's graveside. It was calm the entire time until I got ready to leave. I whispered "I love you" and blew him a kiss. The biggest gush of wind came shooting through. The weather is such a fickle thing...if you like to believe that.

I was able to hold myself together for a good portion of the day, keeping my crying spells to a minimum today. I was excited to get to go hunting. I walked around all day in his clothes thinking about the afternoon. I'm sure I look really comical, me being 110 lbs and wearing his 2xl shirts and lounge pants. But it brings me comfort feeling closer to him in any way possible. So I wear his clothes and look ridiculous, but everyone in this household knows that is just the way it is.

Friday evening I decided to shoot my gun for the first time this year, since I had decided to go hunting on Saturday. Michael bought me a .243 rifle for Christmas one year and he was so proud that I was becoming more involved with hunting. Friday I had been having a bad day. I couldn't pull myself together for much of anything. But something about that gun when I pulled it out, I felt a change in me. Marc, my brother in law, supervised =). He set everything up for me and set up a target. First shot...Bullseye. I felt Michael all around me after that. And the rest of the evening I was in a happy place. So strange how that works. But I knew it was there with me.

Saturday I went hunting for the first time without Michael. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Michael and I often would hunt different stands, but we were always in the woods together at the same time. I wanted to go, because I knew it would bring me peace to be outdoors, in the stand, with nature. And I knew Michael would be with me.

 For Support, Haley, and Marc went with me. For the record, Haley has never been hunting so this was truly just out of love for me that she went to sit with me in the stand. This was the first time Marc had been hunting since Michael's accident as well. Marc and Michael shared his last night together, and hunted together. Marc killed a deer and Michael told him it was "because I let him have the good stand". That was Michael. Always wanting to do for other people.  Michael was on his way home from hunting when he wrecked. Haley, Marc, and I all carried a piece of the shirt Michael was wearing from his final hunting trip, from his final day on earth. Some may think that is weird to carry a piece of clothing that he was wearing when he died, but I don't really care. For me, it brings me closer to him because it was the last thing on his body when he was alive.  And I do all kind of strange things now that he is gone to help me cope with his death.

Haley and I sitting in one of my favorite stands. It was one that Michael and I would hunt together sometimes.

Marc making sure we were safe before he left to go to another stand. Like I said, this was Marc's first trip back in the woods since Michael's death. They were together on the night he died. Marc's bandana is made from Michael's shirt.  So many people have been affected by Michael leaving us, not just me. I'm thankful we have the support of each other to help us all get through each day.

I was hoping Michael would push a big buck out for me, but  no such luck. However, we saw about 6 does, and 2 small 4points. Haley was glad that she didn't have to witness anything being shot. I was glad to be in Michael's world and feel, for a small moment in time, like he was still here with me.

 

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I wanted to share some special pictures of our love for the outdoors, since my spirits are high at the moment.  And hopefully I can look at them without crying the whole time. Michael loved being outdoors and so did I. We loved hunting and fishing, riding 4 wheelers, and riding down old dirt roads.

Michael loved teaching his boys about fishing and hunting.

                                     And of course Caroline loved to tag along and "outdo the boys" =)

 Michael and I always had a sense of humor about our enjoyment for the woods. Even at Halloween, we still were thinking about hunting.

 Michael would make practice targets so I could improve my aim and teach me about the rifle he bought me. He was always creative in everything he did.

 One of the best feelings in the world. Sitting in the deer stand. Watching mother nature and bonding all at the same time. We were like two peas of the same pod.

                                                Always trying to steal kisses from me :)

                                                  I always told him, I loved a man in camo

                                                   He said I cleaned up nice myself

The 3 stooges fishing together

His smile was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and it always made me smile. It was contagious.

Doing what we loved

 

He always made me feel safe. I feel his arms wrapped around me now, even though he isn't physically here with me anymore

The very first deer I shot. Michael was on the tractor on the other side of the land and I was bored. So I told him I was going to go sit in the stand. I'll never forget as I walked off he said, "Don't forget to take your gun!"  This moment will forever live in my heart. He was so proud of me for shooting my first deer. It wasn't a big one, but I did it all on my own. He always told me I learned from the best =)



Welcome to my Journey

I started this blog as a form of therapy for me. I have always kept journals as a way to channel my emotions, but I decided to start this blog after the loss of my husband. At 29 years old I never imagined that I would be a widow. To even make that statement sounds absurd. "widow"  The word itself makes me feel 100 years old. I hope that by telling my story, I will find some peace, comfort and strength to face each day and live a life, I had not expected to live. Maybe along the way, I will inspire someone else who is hurting, and that would make my efforts worthwhile.

My story starts a long time ago, back in 2000 when I met Michael. I remember the very first time I saw him like it was yesterday. We were at Bingham's Light and he was covered in mud. No shirt, dirty shorts, a backwards hat (his trademark) and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I remember the events as clear as crystal water from that night. I knew in my heart, I had met my match.  I guess that is the thing about soul mates. You feel each other, and know each other in a way you can't explain to anyone else.  And that's how I knew he had died, before I knew. I knew in my heart when I went looking for him, he was dead. I knew there was a wreck, and I knew he was gone. I knew it in my heart before anyone told me or before I came up on the wreck.  Oct 16, 2013 was the worst day of my life. I lost the man who was my soul mate. At 29 years old, you aren't supposed to be a widow. At 29 years old, you aren't supposed to have to bury your best friend, your inspiration for life, your other half. But I did.  I know my life will never be the same. I know I will carry this emptiness inside of me for my whole life. He left a void that no other person will ever fill. He left me, but I am still here. And I have to find a way to face each day and learn to start over.

This is my journey, this is my battle, and hopefully will be my triumphs. My story is just getting started and I hope to share my life to anyone who wants to read. But more importantly, I am doing this for me. If no one reads my story, that is ok. I am learning to live for myself and I have to find a way to do that. This is one of my coping methods. I hope this experience will bring me closer to God. I hope it restores my broken faith, and I hope it makes me a better person at the end of the day. God makes no mistakes, and he chose to call Michael home on Oct 16 and he chose me to be a survivor. I may not have any answers or understand why at this time. But I trust God and I know there is a reason.