There are bad days, and then there are days like today

 

Today was a bad day. From the start. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and thought of Michael with every passing second. Some days are o-k, some days are bad, and then there are days like today. The "I can't get out of bed, quit crying, "why me?" days.  I guess you could call it an "angry" day. I cried and cried and then cried some more.  I kept thinking of how unfair  it was for Michael to be gone. This is not supposed to happen. This is not something I was supposed to have to go through. I became upset that Michael died and I didn't. For the first time, I wished I was in his truck the night he wrecked and I would have died with him. I feel dead. My soul feels dead. Today I felt no purpose in life. He was my purpose in life and he is gone. I try to be strong most days but I was not strong today. I laid in bed crying at how my life will never be the same. I found a card from Valentine's Day where he sent flowers. It said "One of many more to come, Love you, MT" But there will be no more Valentine's days with him.
No more holidays
No more Christmas traditions
No birthdays
No anniversary celebrations
N.O.T.H.I.N.G
We will never have a baby together. We will never share another summer at the lake. We will never be a family again with his boys. I not only lost my husband, but I lost my two stepsons at the same time. I love those little boys and I pray that I will be able to see them soon. But as for now, that is just another dagger in my heart.

This was not supposed to happen to me, but it did. Even the days I refuse to believe he is gone, guess what? He is still gone. My family, friends, and even people I don't know have been amazing with support. And I thank God for that, every day. But nothing eases the pain  in my heart. Nothing eases the heartache I feel. Nothing can comfort me, because he was my comfort. He was my rock. He was who I turned to. He wiped away my tears when I had a bad day. He was who would hold me until I was in my happy place. He was my peace.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my entire existence changed. Some days like today, my heart just says "I don't want to do this." I don't want to go on without him. If it were solely dependent on my heart, it would have already stopped beating. But it hasn't. I'm still here. Living in this nightmare every day.

I pray tomorrow will be a better day. I pray that God and Michael will stay close to me during this time. I need them both. I told Michael when he died, there would be no way I would be able to survive this, if he wasn't by my side. And I still need him. This has been the worst two weeks of my life, and the saddest part is this battle is only starting.  So I will say my prayers tonight and ask God for strength. Because days like today I have none. I will have to remind myself to just breathe and take it one day at a day.