Another Day

Tomorrow will be 2 months since I lost Michael. It's hard to believe how much my life has changed in those 2 months. I pulled out his cell phone tonight. I haven't cancelled his service yet. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to deactivate his phone. I can sleep in his clothes every night, but when I look at his phone it breaks me down. It smells like grease, like a shop. He was always working and always had his dirty hands on his phone listening to music. Even if he was home, he was always working on something. In his shop, he had a chainsaw in pieces across the table. It is still there, in pieces from where he was last tinkering with it. There are constant reminders everywhere like this of how my life changed literally overnight. Maybe sometimes I try to numb the pain by not looking at certain things, like his phone or going in his shop. Even things in my house I can't change or move yet. My art room I have not touched anything since he died. There is an empty diet coke can and a bottle of water that is open from where I was painting a few nights before he died. He worked like crazy to build me that room.

 I was so excited to finally have a place to paint in our new house. That room will always be close to my heart. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of him. I couldn't wait to paint it and put the stripes on it. I had Michael tape it up for me and he told me to wait a day to let the first coat of paint dry. But I couldn't. When I get something on my mind, it consumes me. And I was so excited I just had to paint the walls. He laughed at me when I pulled the tape off and part of the paint pulled off. He knew that if I wanted to do something, he just had to let me do it and there was no sense in trying to tell me different. So now I see the spots on the wall where the paint pulled off and I think of him. I look at the hard work he put into that room and think of him. He worked so hard to get it finished for me so quick. He was so great at everything he did. He would do anything to see me smile. He loved me so much. Some days it takes everything in me not to question God as to why Michael had to die at 33. I can get mad and ask "why??" but it doesn't bring him back. Nothing will bring him back. Part of me died with him on that night. There will always be a hole in my heart from him dying. 

Since Michael has died, it has changed my life in so many ways. I used to be afraid of dying. Now I am not scared. I know that if I died, I would be with him. And that makes me happy to think that I would be reunited with him. I hope that in time, this will allow me to live my life to the fullest. I see this as a blessing because so many people are afraid of dying, and I used to be one of them. Now, I'm not.

I learned that life can change in the blink of an eye. And it's not always fair.  Bad things happen to good people. But some people go through life and never experience what true love is. And I have. As painful as each day is with him being gone, I am one of the lucky ones. I know what it is like to have a man love you with all his heart and soul. I know what it is like to be in love. And I know that I will cherish this everyday of my life.

 

 

Choosing Life

The weather today has been cold and rainy. I did not get out of bed until 4 this afternoon. I think my body just becomes so exhausted from the lack of sleep during the week. Most people look forward to the weekends. I look forward to Monday. Monday-Friday, I feel some sense of purpose. On the weekends, I am left with the hollow emptiness of Michael being gone. At least during the week, I stay so busy with work, it helps to fill a void.

I have been reading a lot about losing your spouse. Sometimes I long for words to describe how I truly feel. I really connected with some of the things I'm reading right now.

"When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself. It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or leg. I think that you don't fully recover, you adjust."

I know its only been 2 months, but I never feel I will recover from this incident in my life. This has forever changed me. I try to be strong but some days I miss him so much, it is all I can do to make it through the day. When I feel weak, I turn to scripture. These have been inspirational to me.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29: 11-13)

"Even in your old age and gray hair I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." (Isaiah 46:4)

"I am the LORD, who heals you." (Exodus 15:26)

"I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me." (Psalm 31: 14-15)

"Trust in the LORD with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

And this one really stuck with me:
"I have set before you life...now choose life." (Deuteronomy 30:19)

To me, this is so powerful...God is telling me that he has given me this life and I must be strong and persevere. God has given me THIS life. I am His work. He knows the plans for me. So many things I do not understand about why I have to go through this pain and this anguish...But I have to trust God.

The book I am reading states, " It's often said that when you're dealing with hardship and hurt in your life, and great pain, you can either become bitter or you can become better. Challenge yourself always to let God do a work through you so you can become stronger and more effective."

I pray that God will make me a better person from this. I pray that God will use me in a way that will help others. I pray that I will be able to become a stronger, more faithful person.

I know that the love Michael and I shared will always be in my heart. He would want me to be strong. I know that with God and Michael by my side...I will get through this.

I am thankful everyday for this man and for this love. And although the pain in my heart is so strong, I am so glad that we had the chance to be reunited and we both had the chance to experience such an amazing feeling. You are always in my heart Michael. I love you.

 

 

Life is hard

Life is hard. Life is a lot harder when your husband dies suddenly and you are 29 years old. I thought life was hard but I really had no idea how hard life was until October 16, 2013. I have learned a lot of life, about people, about compassion, and about the bitterness that some harbor since that day. I pray to God every night, that He guide me in doing the right thing. I ask for His guidance every day. The past week as been hard for me. I try to stay busy. I try to stay preoccupied. But it doesn't always work. I am still forced to face with the reality of what is left of my life. I'm left to pick up the thousands of pieces.

This week, like any week, had its own share of challenges.  I had been having an extremely hard time packing up the remaining stuff of the boys at my house. I cried each time I put stuff in the bags to give them. I cried because I miss them. I cried because some things I put were things they made with their daddy. I cried because its like ripping your chest out to not only lose your husband, but your two stepsons at the same time. I cried because they will never get to do things with their daddy. They will miss out so much because no one will ever take the place of their daddy. I also cried because I know I will miss out on their lives so much. BUT I still wanted to do what is right, and give the boys their toys, and belongings from our house. I know at this point, I will not get to see the boys. This act was purely from my heart that I am giving those things to them because I want them to have the special stuff we all did together when Michael was alive. I have accepted the fact that I will not be able to be a part of these children's lives.  It breaks my heart but I know it breaks MICHAEL's heart even more.  Michael was not a Church Going man, but he had a relationship with God. He was a man with a heart of gold. He wanted the best for his children no matter what he had to go through. Michael worked 7 days a week to provide for them. He knew how much I loved them, and he knew how much they loved me. Nic painted this sign for me and told me to put it in mine and his daddy's room. And that is what we did. I will forever cherish this small memories we made together.

 I talk to God and I talk to Michael and each day I ask them for strength and guidance. I ask them to fill my heart and soul with love, compassion, forgiveness and direction. Yesterday I finally got what I needed from Michael as far as guidance. I can see his face and his big smile and know exactly what he would say to me. I don't need to share...but I know the exact words he would say to me. In fact he's been pushing me for a long time to do this but I had to learn my own way. I try to accept things for what they are and not question God. I must remember he has a bigger plan and as hard as it is...I do the best I can.


Friday night, The millwright shop had their Christmas Party and invited me to come. I knew this would be a hard night. I went for a little while and was glad to see everyone. But at the same side, Michael was missing. I tried to hold it in for as long as I could but the tears started and I had to go back home. Probably the worst meltdown I've had in two weeks. Full blown, crying, couldn't catch my breath, head is about to explode meltdown. I was in a really low spot, but called a friend and was amazed at how much strength you can draw from friends and their advice. I am blessed in so many ways and I am thankful for these blessings, even on the days I don't acknowledge them.

This weekend was bad. I laid in bed all day Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes the pain will linger for several days. I think when you try to hold in your emotions, it will just bust like a dam and it is overwhelming. I deal with more emotions on a daily basis than I thought was humanly possible. I guess sometimes my body just has to catch up and rest from the daily struggles I go through. Each day is another battle, some battles I win...some battles I lose. But I will win the war. It will just be a long war...long and painful. Sunday my sister cooked dinner for my Mom's birthday. I hadn't seen Michael all weekend because I was so emotionally drained I didn't even have the strength to go. So I finally went Sunday night to see him. I miss him so much and hurt so bad at all the things that have happened and continue to happen. But I trust in God to battle the demons in my life. He is in control ultimately. I know I must be strong and keep a pure heart and not lose sight of the person I truly am inside. God blessed me with a loving compassionate heart....a strong heart. And I have to keep hope.

In the book I am reading it states, "The bottom is a lot deeper than you would even think. Even during the heaviest, most hurtful times of your grieving experience, you, too, can share the hope that only Jesus brings."

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19)

Thanksgiving down...Christmas left to go

Everyone knows that holidays are hard when you have lost someone.  Just 6 weeks ago I experienced the greatest loss of my life so far. Right in time for the Holidays. Lucky me.

This is pretty much what I do everyday. I do a lot of reminding myself to stop. breathe. and cry if I have to. Sometimes the pain is so strong the tears will just start flowing down my face for no apparent reason. Other than the fact my husband has just died and I feel broken into a million pieces. Some days I can talk about Michael, memories, his death, anything and not shed a tear. It is the damnest thing how grief works. You just had to get through the day and then another day comes and you have to get through it. And then the next thing you know, 6 weeks has passed and it feels like it was so long ago but so soon at the same time. Greif is a tricky little monster.

 In one of the books I am reading it says, "Greif is not an enemy or sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. It is the cost for loving someone." I loved a man with all my heart and he died and now I feel like I am being punished some days. I know that is not the case, and I feel extremely blessed to have had the chance to experience what real love was...but that doesn't stop that dagger that stabs up and down in my heart everyday. That feels like punishment to me. There are days I question a lot of things. I spent my whole adult life regretting not being with Michael. I will tell our story one day when I am bring myself to talk about that. But I spent years thinking I let the love of my life slip away. So to get a second chance was an unbelievable blessing from God. I remember seeing him for the first time in 10 years. 10 years had passed and when I looked at him, I felt the same way I did after all those years. It felt like no time had passed, even though in reality A LOT of time had passed and our lives had taken such different paths that we originally thought. How amazing that God would bring two people back together that believed they were soul mates all these years, but accepted the life they had chosen despite NOT being together for so many years. Almost every day after we got back together we talked about God's timing, and how maybe there was a reason after all. We knew that we had a second chance at life and a second chance to have the happiness we both deserved.

It is hard for me to understand a lot of things right now. It is hard for me to understand what my life is supposed to mean. God gave me the man I always wanted...he gave him BACK to me and then HE DIES??  You wait your whole life to find that person and I lost him once and I understood how special it was to have him again. How can I get just a few short years with this man that I was supposed to spend forever with?? I struggle with this everyday. The roller coaster of emotions from low to high to low is truly unimaginable. I know that God does not make mistakes. But I struggle trying to figure out why this is happening.  On a day like today when everything reminds me of him, and the pain of not having him becomes to great to bear...I struggle with why he had to die. And why I had to be left to pick of the pieces of a life I only wanted if he was apart of it.

I bought his Christmas decorations today when I was in Florence. This gentleman asks me, "Oh, you must be doing a blue Christmas tree this year?" I stood there for a minute deciding on what to say. The easiest thing would have been to just say "Yes" and walk off. But instead I told him the truth. I told him they were for the grave of my husband that recently had passed away. And so it begins, having to tell perfect strangers, who asks seemly nice questions...the truth about my life. I'm 29, yes I wear a wedding ring, No I'm not married technically. My husband died. 6 weeks ago.  AND shoot the arrow into my heart now.

And so I decided on blue and silver because my heart is blue. And Michael's favorite color was blue. I made the heart wreath. I wanted to do something different and something special. I made it at the graveside in the dark, so I probably need to work on it some. But I'm impatient and I couldn't wait until tomorrow to put it out. And of course the deer, which I'm pretty sure is a reindeer, but it fits. So there it is...Christmas with Michael this year. I'm not decorating. I'm not in the spirit. But I can sit with him and his blue decorations and get through my first Christmas with him as an Angel.  Please say an extra prayer for me as Christmas approaches. I don't know how I will manage to get through it.

But God reminds me...

"I have set before you life...now choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19)

And so I end with this prayer:

Precious Lord, you know the desires of my heart. In my confusion give me peace to know that You are in control of all life and You do not make mistakes. Amen