Another Day

Tomorrow will be 2 months since I lost Michael. It's hard to believe how much my life has changed in those 2 months. I pulled out his cell phone tonight. I haven't cancelled his service yet. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to deactivate his phone. I can sleep in his clothes every night, but when I look at his phone it breaks me down. It smells like grease, like a shop. He was always working and always had his dirty hands on his phone listening to music. Even if he was home, he was always working on something. In his shop, he had a chainsaw in pieces across the table. It is still there, in pieces from where he was last tinkering with it. There are constant reminders everywhere like this of how my life changed literally overnight. Maybe sometimes I try to numb the pain by not looking at certain things, like his phone or going in his shop. Even things in my house I can't change or move yet. My art room I have not touched anything since he died. There is an empty diet coke can and a bottle of water that is open from where I was painting a few nights before he died. He worked like crazy to build me that room.

 I was so excited to finally have a place to paint in our new house. That room will always be close to my heart. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of him. I couldn't wait to paint it and put the stripes on it. I had Michael tape it up for me and he told me to wait a day to let the first coat of paint dry. But I couldn't. When I get something on my mind, it consumes me. And I was so excited I just had to paint the walls. He laughed at me when I pulled the tape off and part of the paint pulled off. He knew that if I wanted to do something, he just had to let me do it and there was no sense in trying to tell me different. So now I see the spots on the wall where the paint pulled off and I think of him. I look at the hard work he put into that room and think of him. He worked so hard to get it finished for me so quick. He was so great at everything he did. He would do anything to see me smile. He loved me so much. Some days it takes everything in me not to question God as to why Michael had to die at 33. I can get mad and ask "why??" but it doesn't bring him back. Nothing will bring him back. Part of me died with him on that night. There will always be a hole in my heart from him dying. 

Since Michael has died, it has changed my life in so many ways. I used to be afraid of dying. Now I am not scared. I know that if I died, I would be with him. And that makes me happy to think that I would be reunited with him. I hope that in time, this will allow me to live my life to the fullest. I see this as a blessing because so many people are afraid of dying, and I used to be one of them. Now, I'm not.

I learned that life can change in the blink of an eye. And it's not always fair.  Bad things happen to good people. But some people go through life and never experience what true love is. And I have. As painful as each day is with him being gone, I am one of the lucky ones. I know what it is like to have a man love you with all his heart and soul. I know what it is like to be in love. And I know that I will cherish this everyday of my life.