Life is hard

Life is hard. Life is a lot harder when your husband dies suddenly and you are 29 years old. I thought life was hard but I really had no idea how hard life was until October 16, 2013. I have learned a lot of life, about people, about compassion, and about the bitterness that some harbor since that day. I pray to God every night, that He guide me in doing the right thing. I ask for His guidance every day. The past week as been hard for me. I try to stay busy. I try to stay preoccupied. But it doesn't always work. I am still forced to face with the reality of what is left of my life. I'm left to pick up the thousands of pieces.

This week, like any week, had its own share of challenges.  I had been having an extremely hard time packing up the remaining stuff of the boys at my house. I cried each time I put stuff in the bags to give them. I cried because I miss them. I cried because some things I put were things they made with their daddy. I cried because its like ripping your chest out to not only lose your husband, but your two stepsons at the same time. I cried because they will never get to do things with their daddy. They will miss out so much because no one will ever take the place of their daddy. I also cried because I know I will miss out on their lives so much. BUT I still wanted to do what is right, and give the boys their toys, and belongings from our house. I know at this point, I will not get to see the boys. This act was purely from my heart that I am giving those things to them because I want them to have the special stuff we all did together when Michael was alive. I have accepted the fact that I will not be able to be a part of these children's lives.  It breaks my heart but I know it breaks MICHAEL's heart even more.  Michael was not a Church Going man, but he had a relationship with God. He was a man with a heart of gold. He wanted the best for his children no matter what he had to go through. Michael worked 7 days a week to provide for them. He knew how much I loved them, and he knew how much they loved me. Nic painted this sign for me and told me to put it in mine and his daddy's room. And that is what we did. I will forever cherish this small memories we made together.

 I talk to God and I talk to Michael and each day I ask them for strength and guidance. I ask them to fill my heart and soul with love, compassion, forgiveness and direction. Yesterday I finally got what I needed from Michael as far as guidance. I can see his face and his big smile and know exactly what he would say to me. I don't need to share...but I know the exact words he would say to me. In fact he's been pushing me for a long time to do this but I had to learn my own way. I try to accept things for what they are and not question God. I must remember he has a bigger plan and as hard as it is...I do the best I can.


Friday night, The millwright shop had their Christmas Party and invited me to come. I knew this would be a hard night. I went for a little while and was glad to see everyone. But at the same side, Michael was missing. I tried to hold it in for as long as I could but the tears started and I had to go back home. Probably the worst meltdown I've had in two weeks. Full blown, crying, couldn't catch my breath, head is about to explode meltdown. I was in a really low spot, but called a friend and was amazed at how much strength you can draw from friends and their advice. I am blessed in so many ways and I am thankful for these blessings, even on the days I don't acknowledge them.

This weekend was bad. I laid in bed all day Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes the pain will linger for several days. I think when you try to hold in your emotions, it will just bust like a dam and it is overwhelming. I deal with more emotions on a daily basis than I thought was humanly possible. I guess sometimes my body just has to catch up and rest from the daily struggles I go through. Each day is another battle, some battles I win...some battles I lose. But I will win the war. It will just be a long war...long and painful. Sunday my sister cooked dinner for my Mom's birthday. I hadn't seen Michael all weekend because I was so emotionally drained I didn't even have the strength to go. So I finally went Sunday night to see him. I miss him so much and hurt so bad at all the things that have happened and continue to happen. But I trust in God to battle the demons in my life. He is in control ultimately. I know I must be strong and keep a pure heart and not lose sight of the person I truly am inside. God blessed me with a loving compassionate heart....a strong heart. And I have to keep hope.

In the book I am reading it states, "The bottom is a lot deeper than you would even think. Even during the heaviest, most hurtful times of your grieving experience, you, too, can share the hope that only Jesus brings."

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19)