Choosing Life

The weather today has been cold and rainy. I did not get out of bed until 4 this afternoon. I think my body just becomes so exhausted from the lack of sleep during the week. Most people look forward to the weekends. I look forward to Monday. Monday-Friday, I feel some sense of purpose. On the weekends, I am left with the hollow emptiness of Michael being gone. At least during the week, I stay so busy with work, it helps to fill a void.

I have been reading a lot about losing your spouse. Sometimes I long for words to describe how I truly feel. I really connected with some of the things I'm reading right now.

"When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself. It's as if you've had an amputation of an arm or leg. I think that you don't fully recover, you adjust."

I know its only been 2 months, but I never feel I will recover from this incident in my life. This has forever changed me. I try to be strong but some days I miss him so much, it is all I can do to make it through the day. When I feel weak, I turn to scripture. These have been inspirational to me.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29: 11-13)

"Even in your old age and gray hair I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." (Isaiah 46:4)

"I am the LORD, who heals you." (Exodus 15:26)

"I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me." (Psalm 31: 14-15)

"Trust in the LORD with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

And this one really stuck with me:
"I have set before you life...now choose life." (Deuteronomy 30:19)

To me, this is so powerful...God is telling me that he has given me this life and I must be strong and persevere. God has given me THIS life. I am His work. He knows the plans for me. So many things I do not understand about why I have to go through this pain and this anguish...But I have to trust God.

The book I am reading states, " It's often said that when you're dealing with hardship and hurt in your life, and great pain, you can either become bitter or you can become better. Challenge yourself always to let God do a work through you so you can become stronger and more effective."

I pray that God will make me a better person from this. I pray that God will use me in a way that will help others. I pray that I will be able to become a stronger, more faithful person.

I know that the love Michael and I shared will always be in my heart. He would want me to be strong. I know that with God and Michael by my side...I will get through this.

I am thankful everyday for this man and for this love. And although the pain in my heart is so strong, I am so glad that we had the chance to be reunited and we both had the chance to experience such an amazing feeling. You are always in my heart Michael. I love you.