This week has been full of ups and downs. I'm sure that is how the next chapter of my life will go. Some days will be ok, and some will be bad. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. But every step forward is one more step from the previous. I have been using the term "baby steps" a lot lately. I guess baby steps are better than no steps.
So this week I have attempted to return to work. For those who may not know, Michael and I worked at the same place. He had worked there 15 years. Kinda hard to not think of him when going back. Monday I was determined to try. I knew I would have to take a different route so I would not go by the parking lot where Michael would park. What I did not anticipate, was the way I was going would go right by an old parking lot in a section where Michael used to work. I think that was the final straw that broke the camel's back, but the crying had started 15 minutes out. The closer I got to work, the harder the crying got. And seeing the plant, and the old parking lot, just was too much to handle. Emotionally I was not going to be able to pull myself together. I came home. Cried. Got back in the bed and cried some more. Story of my life these days.
Tuesday, I tried again. I managed to struggle through a few hours. I think I only cried 4 times in the 4 hours I was there. There are lots of things that make it hard being back at work. But the hardest is Michael was a part of my work routine. I would pass his truck every morning on the way to my office. I would patiently wait for his "Good Morning baby, I love you" text that would come like clockwork every morning around 8:30 at his first break. And then his text would usually come at 11, when he had lunch. And then whenever he had time. So Tuesday I found myself staring at my phone and knowing that there would be no "I love you" to come through from Michael. There would be no "how's your day babe" and no text from him with his famous "my heart's not in it today," meaning "I don't really want to be working today" text. But he worked no matter how he felt. He worked 7 days a week almost every week. He was the hardest worker I've ever know. He was the most humble, selfless person I have ever known. He was the greatest man I have ever known.
Wednesday I managed to get through a few hours at work again. I know I have to get back into some sort of routine, but it's hard when all you think about is the one person that you loved the most is gone from your life and all the sunshine has disappeared. It's hard to focus on anything but the pain that stabs your chest every time you try to breathe. The numbness you feel as everything around you continues to keep time at its regular pace and I'm just stuck in what feels like the twilight zone.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to get some things of the boys together. I wanted them to have some things that Michael bought them, like their camo jackets. I also gave them each of hat of Michael's and a shirt of his in case they wanted to sleep in it. It took me over a week to get some things packed up. When they are old enough to want their daddy's things, I will give them whatever they want. I will do whatever my husband would have wanted. We had talks about death. We discussed things. I know his wishes. And although I never thought it would come true, I'm glad we had talked about some things so I can make sure to honor my husband in the ways in wanted.
The reality of my house being a family of 4 to now...just me, is a difficult thing to accept. I spent a lot of time with the boys, a lot of time just me and them when Michael was working. We developed a strong bond in such a quick time. I miss them. But I just pray about the situation. That is all I can do. I dropped their clothes off, and still was not able to see them. But I wanted them to have those things. At the end of the day, I can only do so much. And leave the rest in God's hands.
Today is Thursday and it was a bad day. I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't get out of bed today. Just one of those days. The pain of missing Michael was too strong. I could not get him off my mind and how much I miss him. I'm reading out of two books, that two different people have sent. I'm hoping that I can continue to learn with how to deal with my grief. Sometimes the shock of my best friend and soul mate being dead, is just to much to deal with. So I just choose to not deal with it until reality slaps me in the face again. The only thing I did today was go to his grave. Something about being there brings me peace. I know it's just his body there and his spirit is free but it was the only thing that brought me to a "ok" place today.
I look back and remember his love for me and it brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I am blessed to have loved such a perfect man and to have him love me so much. He always made sure I knew how much he loved me. He was the kind of man that kissed me every morning before he left for work and kissed me every night before he went to sleep. He never failed to tell me he loved me each and every day, sometimes every few hours. He was finally happy and I do take peace knowing that he died a happy man. He close friends tell me he expressed to them, he was the happiest he had ever been his life. I find comfort in that.
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