I miss him

Today has been a hard day. I stayed in my pajamas until 2. And when I say "pajamas" I mean Michael's clothes. Since the night he died, that is all I sleep in. Mostly just his shirts, but he had one pair of Clemson pajama pants that somehow I can wear without them falling off of me. The only reason I got dressed was because Thursday I decided I was going to go hunting this weekend. And even though I really didn't feel like going, because it was just one of those days. I knew I should go. Doing things we did together when he was alive makes me feel close to him. It makes me MISS him more, but for a short time, while I was in the deer stand I felt like he was still here and we were
hunting together.

I wore his hat. One of his main "hunting" hats. He had a ton of hats, but he had his favorites. This one was one of his favorites. It came out of his truck when he died. I can't be 100% sure he was wearing it the night he died, but I would put money on it. There was another hat that was in his truck, that was a "hunting" hat...but this Bass Pro Shops was his favorite out of all of hunting/knock around hats. My mom bought me a cross necklace when he died and I put his wedding ring on the chain. The cross fits perfect in the ring. I wear this pretty much everyday. It reminds me that I have God and Michael close to my heart, right where I need them. I also tied a piece of his shirt around my wrist. The shirt he was wearing when he died. I know that may be strange but I don't see it as him "dying" in these things...but rather they were the last thing he was wearing when he was alive. If he wasn't so damn big, I would probably try to wear his hunting clothes...but if you knew him...you knew he was 6'4", 225 LBs of solid man. And my small frame just gets lost in his clothes.

It made him so happy that we shared the same interests in hunting and guns. He was so great at teaching me so many things. He always joked about how great my aim was...and he knew better than to make me mad with an aim like that. I love remembering little things like that. It makes me smile, cry too, but smiling through tears is a common thing these days.

 

 

Michael was not perfect by any means. But one thing he did without any reservation was love me, his boys, and his mama. He always made me feel safe in his arms. He always took care of me. He protected me. He didn't want "nothing but the best for my baby" as he would say. I miss that now. I miss those feelings of being protected and comforted by him. It feels like an empty hole inside of me that longs for him to make this hurting go away. Because he always made the hurt go away. I struggle with trying to be strong, because I always looked to him. He was the strong one. He was the rock in our relationship...not me. He was the one that took all my stress away because he didn't want me having to deal with anything I didn't have to. I've never known a love like the love he had for me. He told me 13 years ago that NOBODY would ever love me like he did. And in those years that we were apart, I discovered that he was right. Time and circumstance had separated us, but in our hearts...deep down, we were never separated. We always were in each other's hearts. It seems so unfair that we got our second chance in 2011, only to be separated again. And wouldn't you know that on the day he died...he was still telling me that NOBODY would love me like he did. At 4:50 on Oct 16, he was telling me how much he loved me.


And then just several hours later he was dead. Just like that.
And my life stopped. The life I knew was over. It will never
be the same. I haven't figured out how I am going to get
through this without him. The pain I feel some days is so unreal, I don't want to get up and face the day. I don't want to think about tomorrow, or the next day. I just somehow manage to make it through each day. I don't know why this happened. I know I will never meet a man like him ever again. But I am thankful I knew a love that was pure and true. A love that some people search their whole lives and never find. A love that could conquer anything that was thrown our way.
I thank God that I had the time I did with him. I am honored he chose me to be his wife. I am honored he declared his love for me and spent everyday trying to prove to me how much he loved me. It may have been short and I may never understand why he was taken. But I can say I know what true love is and I know what true love is supposed to be like. I will cherish that all my life.

And that is why I love this quote from Steel Magnolias:

"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of
nothing special."

 

I miss you every day Michael.